What If It's Not Defiance? Living with and Loving a PDA Child
Parenting Outside the Lines means throwing away the rulebook—and sometimes rewriting it from scratch. For families raising children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), this couldn’t be more true.
PDA is a profile of autism marked by an intense need to avoid everyday demands and expectations. But here’s the part most people miss: this avoidance isn’t about being difficult or naughty. It’s about survival.
A child with PDA isn’t trying to control you—they’re trying to protect themselves.
What is PDA, Really?
Pathological Demand Avoidance is a nervous system response. It’s often misunderstood as defiance, oppositional behaviour, or poor parenting. In reality, PDA is rooted in high anxiety and a desperate need for autonomy.
Children with PDA may:
Experience extreme distress in response to requests—even small ones
Use distraction, humour, avoidance, or fantasy to escape demands
React with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses when pushed
Seem fine one moment, and then explode the next
Be bright, curious, creative, and deeply emotionally aware
They’re not being manipulative. They’re not trying to “win.” They’re responding to a world that feels overwhelming and unsafe.
Living With PDA: The Daily Reality
Living with a PDA child means rethinking everything you thought you knew about parenting. It means finding the courage to say, “This isn’t working”—and doing things differently.
You might find that:
Routine rewards or consequences don’t work.
Simple tasks like getting dressed or leaving the house feel monumental.
Your child needs constant negotiation, flexibility, and emotional support.
Meltdowns are intense and emotionally draining for the whole family.
It’s hard. It’s messy. And it’s not your fault.
Loving a PDA Child: What Helps
When you move away from control and toward connection, everything begins to change. PDA parenting is about safety, not submission. It’s about trust, not triggers.
Here’s what helps:
1. Low-Demand Days
Where possible, reduce the number of demands. Use indirect language like:
- “I wonder what would happen if…”
- “Do you want to race me to the door?”
- “Shall we figure it out together?”
2. Offer Choices & Autonomy
Instead of “Put your coat on,” try: “Would you like the blue coat or the green one?”
Choices reduce pressure and restore a sense of control.
3. Playfulness & Creativity
Turn demands into games. Use roleplay, storytelling, or humour to gently navigate through tricky moments.
4. Co-regulation
Your calm nervous system helps regulate theirs. Soothing presence > explanations. Hold space, breathe together, and ride the wave.
5. Rebuild Trust, Over and Over
Each moment of rupture is an opportunity for repair. The more they trust you won’t push them past their edge, the more they’ll let you in.
Let Go of the ‘Shoulds’
They should be able to put their shoes on.
They should say please.
They should be more independent by now.
But what if we dropped the “shoulds” and met our children where they are?
PDA parenting isn’t permissive. It’s perceptive. It’s about understanding the fear beneath the behaviour and responding with compassion, not correction.
You’re Not Failing—You’re Parenting Bravely
If you’re raising a PDA child, you already know the courage it takes. You’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Your child is not broken either—they are wired differently, and their needs deserve to be understood, not punished.
Let’s rewrite the story:
It’s not defiance it’s distress.
They don’t need control they need connection.
No more power struggles lets aim for partnership.
You’re parenting outside the lines—and that’s exactly where the magic happens.
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This article is brilliant!
“You’re parenting outside the lines—and that’s exactly where the magic happens.” This sentence perfectly sums up my approach and experience of raising children.
Well written, crucial information for the whole community. Finally, I have somewhere to send worried parents, teachers and friends.
Thank you for taking the initiative and being a pioneer of conscious parenting. This site is greatly needed. Thank you.
I can’t thank you enough for your kind and supportive words. My hope for this space is to grow it into a truly welcoming community for anyone touched by neurodivergence—whether you’re an educator working with neurodivergent students, a parent raising a neurodivergent child, a neurodivergent parent yourself, or someone who simply loves a neurodivergent person.
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