What to Say (And NOT Say) to a Parent of an Autistic Child

If you’ve ever spoken to a parent of an autistic child and left the conversation wondering, Did I just accidentally offend them? Don’t worry—you’re not alone. We know most people mean well, but sometimes, the things people say can land with all the grace of a toddler throwing spaghetti at the wall. So, as a public service announcement, let’s go over some things that are great to say—and some that should be permanently retired.

What to Say:

1. “How can I support you?”

Oh, be still my exhausted heart! This is gold. Whether it’s a listening ear, flexible playdates, or just an acknowledgment that we’re doing our best, offering support goes a long way.

2. “Your child is awesome!”

Because they are. Autistic kids have incredible strengths, unique perspectives, and the kind of dedication to their favourite topics that could make even the most accomplished scholars jealous. Tell us you see the brilliance in our child, and you’ll make our day.

3. “I love that they’re so passionate about [insert special interest here]!”

Yes, my child can tell you more about trains than you ever wanted to know, and yes, I think that’s amazing. Celebrating their interests instead of dismissing them as “obsessions” is a huge win.

4. “I admire your patience.”

Even if I don’t feel patient when I’m negotiating the existential crisis of why socks exist, it’s nice to hear that someone thinks I am.

5. “Do you want to vent, or do you want solutions?”

Sometimes, I just need to rant about how hard the morning school run was. Other times, I’m genuinely looking for ideas. Asking what I need before responding? Chef’s kiss.

What NOT To Say:

1. “They don’t look autistic.”

Ah yes, because autism has a universally recognised facial expression? (Spoiler: It doesn’t.) Autism is a neurotype, not a fashion statement.

2. “Maybe they’ll grow out of it.”

Autism isn’t a phase, like a temporary obsession with dinosaurs or that unfortunate time in high school when we all thought butterfly clips were peak fashion. My child isn’t “going to grow out of it”—they’re going to grow into the best version of themselves.

3. “Have you tried [insert unsolicited parenting advice here]?”

Unless you are a trained therapist, doctor, or fellow autism parent sharing lived experience, I promise—we’ve tried it. And no, essential oils are not a cure.

4. “God only gives special kids to special parents.”

While I appreciate the sentiment, I’m just a regular, tired human doing my best. Also, by this logic, I’d like to formally request a refund on my superpowers, because I’m still waiting for my ability to function on no sleep.

5. “I could never do what you do.”

Sure you could. If your child needed you, you’d step up, just like I do. But also, I totally accept gifts of coffee and chocolate if you feel like acknowledging the effort.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do is treat us like any other parent—because we are just parents. We’re winging it, making mistakes, celebrating victories (both big and small), and trying to raise happy, loved kids. A little understanding, a lot of humour, and a well-timed, “You’re doing great” go a long way.

Got any other phrases that should make the “Do Say” or “Do NOT Say” lists? Drop them in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts!